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get tired

© 2016 harper blue music

how would i miss you
how would you know
i miss you like jesus would miss his
his own holy ghost
we didn’t go to london
i told you i don’t wanna go
but i don’t see you anymore
since the hospital
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i’m singing ’bout a window closing
meaning time you’ve got
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but the way has been cut off
now
but i miss you
and the things we used
to do
the plans i make still have you in them
and i know we’re through
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i’m quoting 3eb because my
brain can’t make a thought
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but the plane is taking off
now
i used to know what you want
i used to know it was me
but now i’m stuck in the background baby
and i don’t know what to think
and i don’t know what to think
but
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i say i was a mouse
who didn’t wanna make a sound
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but you gotta go around
now


This song invented itself over the last day and a half or so. I just wrapped up a fairly solid take on the lyrics, though they may still evolve a bit. Even so, I knocked out a quick acoustic demo on my phone just now, and I figured I’d share.

queen anne

© 2016 harper blue music

queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing her mouth
areolae glistening as i
made my way further to the south
crimes may have been committed
but the judge was high and the jury’s out
all our friends are listening
and i don’t know what to say to them now
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
through all the history she left behind
i know it’s never the time but
we think that it is and
i thought it was mine
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
queen anne’s heart is bursting
and there isn’t any room at the inn
no not for girls like me
too poor to show without an invitation
she moved just down the street
she’s got a bigger kitchen it’s really nice
but i had to gtfo when she said
“take the futon for the night”
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
wishing she’d held a little longer instead
of giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
in my head
i know i wasn’t royalty
but i still fit in
and i still was me
my mistake was believing that could change
i know i was the nobody
in your “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
my mistake was believing that could change
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
but i still fit in
and i still was me
wishing she’d held a little longer instead
to her “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
not giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
in my head
queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing her mouth


This song came crawling out of me not long after I got dumped right at the tail end of February. I did a very very quiet acoustic demo at like two in the morning, so I go into falsetto in the high parts, instead of singing it full-throat. I wasn’t going to upload this version, but my daughter and all the other friends I’ve shared it with have raved about it, including the junky late night/early morning noise floor. So, here you go.

UPDATE March 17, 2016: A video of the first live performance is now available.

revelations

© 2014 harper blue music

while you’re mourning the death of a son
who had never been alive
i am mourning the senseless waste of
your daughter’s final night
oh how tired and empty all of
your words turned out to be
now she’s gone and she’ll never teach you
the things you need to see
didn’t you want to meet your daughter
didn’t you want to know her name
leelah needed both her parents
to give her love in jesus’ name
maybe that will sound familiar
for aren’t god and love the same
faith and hope have led you nowhere
she is gone and you’re to blame
you said god doesn’t make mistakes
well let’s stipulate that’s true
wasn’t that soul inside that body
a test for her and you
you were given the chance of chances
to demonstrate god’s love
now your failure has brought you mis-
ery from up above
leelah needed time
she needed love while she was alive
she needed to be who she was
not who you wanted


This morning, I woke up around 9a and scrolled through tumblr while I had my wake-up bottle of water, like I do. I saw a post from another trans girl, a collection of selfies, and thought, "that’s nice," and I followed her, as I do with pretty much anyone trans these days. Not long after, I saw a number of posts about a trans girl named Leelah Alcorn who had committed suicide and queued a suicide note to post onto her tumblr. When I clicked through to the note, I saw that it was the same girl I had just followed not ten minutes before.

I haven’t been singing lately, because my own voice feels like it’s wrong for who I am, so I’m out of practice at it. But I do still write, and when something really awful happens, I write easily. The last post I wrote was for the first song of the year. This will be for the last. Here is an mp3 demo.

break of dawn

© 2014 harper blue music

waited for you
until the break of dawn now baby
i know we’re through
and i know that it’s wrong but maybe
me and you
we could try again this year well
what could we do
if we stopped pretending things were ever
just fine the way they are
just punishment for
the crime of trying too hard
everyone i know’s afraid of dying alone but baby
i’m more afraid of being alive
did my texts go through
i must’ve written sixteen baby
they were for you
just like all my dreams are lately
empty too
that missing man formation is my life
absence is cruel baby
now i understand that things were never
just fine the way they are
just punishment for
the crime of trying too hard
everyone i know’s afraid of dying alone but baby
i’m more afraid of being alive


I woke up around 7a today, wrote this, and fell back asleep. I’ve been miserable all day, more than usual, but I thought if I made myself put up a quick acoustic webcam video demo, I’d feel better; here is an mp3 conversion of the source audio.

never die

© 2013 harper blue music

scientists have discovered
that there’s a black hole in my chest
light and heat can’t escape it
they get pulled in with the rest
my bright hopes and my burning desires
are subsumed by this long-dead star’s mass
my heart stretched by the weight of such gravity’s
pulled until there’s nothing left
i let my heart go
therapists have uncovered
the ravening pit in my brain
all its teeth pointed inward
lining the path of escape
my best ideas are covered in gore
from the holes that those teeth helped create
too disturbing to be shared aloud
so i keep them to myself and wait
and let my mind go
i had finally recovered
insight that i had forgot
that each soul lives forever
whether it wants to or not
i was not born so it can’t be said
there will ever be an end to my life
there is nothing more terrifying
than the idea that i’ll never die
i let my soul go


A quick acoustic webcam video demo is available; here is an mp3 conversion of the source audio. I like the festive holiday light string across the top of the frame for this song.

yellow baby

© 1996 harper blue music

i’ll die with a smile
painted upon my face
and leave you eliza but
don’t you dare wait
i’m off to see daddy
i’m up with my fame
now that i’m stuck here
i’ll always be late
but i don’t feel so dead
and i don’t feel like dad
just like you see me
after i have left
just like you to use me
for your own ends
come on sell tickets
come on come on sell brandon lee
sell pieces of headstone
sell pieces of me
well and truly dead
well and truly dad


Get the final demo and listen to it with your dad.

wounded

© 1999 Stephan Jenkins and Kevin Cadogan; 3EB Publishing/EMI, Blackwood Music/Cappagh Hill/BMG Music (BMI)


A rare acoustic cover.

The second track from the second major-label release by Third Eye Blind, Wounded is a really fantastic song that I only recently figured out how to play. And when I say “figured out,” I really mean “asked the Internet.”

As far as copyright goes, I think it’s ok for me to give this away and not reprint the lyrics. If I’m wrong, well… please don’t kill me or anything.

wistful

© 2003 harper blue music

when i was 21
i saw the most amazing thing
i couldn’t talk to her
by one year later
we were having lunch every day
but i was married
so i’m here with you
and not where she is
i long for santa monica
but it’s not the place i miss
i’m always sure
in times like this
that all life has in store for me
is this wistfulness
this wistfulness
when i was 23
i lost the most amazing thing
she wouldn’t talk to me
by one year later
i would never hear from her again
but i was married
now i’m here with you
and not where she is
back in santa monica
with another chance i missed
i’m always sure
in times like this
that all life has in store for me
is this wistfulness
this wistfulness
so the opportunity
i most miss
is back in santa monica
around 1996
i’m always sure
in times like this
that all life has in store for me
is this wistfulness
this wistfulness
this wistfulness


Don’t let the first demo pass you by.

under a bad star

© 2002 harper blue music

you landed where i should have
you took my place
the decade that i wasted
you never faced
it’s jealousy it’s simple
you have what i want
i feel cheated on a cosmic scale
look at me
you won’t be young forever
better settle while you can
and don’t forget to save
save what you have
thank all your stars and
thank all your friends
but don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in
i envy your successes
your pretty face
i envy you your gender
your empty space
’cause mine isn’t so simple
it’s not supposed to be
people tell me what i’ve got
inside me
but i’ll be young forever
and i’ll fail when i can
nobody will save
me from my hands
billions of stars and
none are my friends
but don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in
don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in


Acoustic versions are now available with and without vocals.