signsofastruggle.com

© 2002 harper blue music

you landed where i should have
you took my place
the decade that i wasted
you never faced
it’s jealousy it’s simple
you have what i want
i feel cheated on a cosmic scale
look at me
you won’t be young forever
better settle while you can
and don’t forget to save
save what you have
thank all your stars and
thank all your friends
but don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in
i envy your successes
your pretty face
i envy you your gender
your empty space
’cause mine isn’t so simple
it’s not supposed to be
people tell me what i’ve got
inside me
but i’ll be young forever
and i’ll fail when i can
nobody will save
me from my hands
billions of stars and
none are my friends
but don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in
don’t you ever say
that you’d understand
i’m going out and
you’re coming in

Acoustic versions are now available with and without vocals.

Here’s a frustrated rant about my struggle to go somewhere with my music in the face of some popular younger artists who appear to be, in a relative sense, handed their success. It’s sort of a stupid thing to complain about, but this is how the whole thing came to me, and it sounds pretty cool when it’s all put together. Besides, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who feel frustrated in their job when they see someone younger passing them by with little apparent effort.

I faced some technical difficulties recording the vocals for this one, because of the changes in volume and pitch during the chorus. There are two clips that pop in during the first and third runs of the chorus, and when I zeroed everything else but the vocals out, they weren’t there, and the only new tracks I had added to that point were the vocals. I figured I should just upload it and move on, since it’s a demo, instead of spending the rest of the day or month figuring that out.

© 1996 harper blue music

how does it feel
to have just one name
cast all to different molds
but your mettle is still the same
god knows this
and god knows that
but oh god doesn’t know me so
god doesn’t know
and still you’d lied to keep this head
i left when i met you
it’s all so simple see i’m dead
i can’t hear you at all
and though you’d like me melted down
all hot and all liquid
things have been frozen for some time
and you know why this is
when your hands freeze up
you can use your mouth
roll your tongue ‘long his cock but
it’s me you’re taking down
my name is blame
and i’m all yours
nothing’s changed here baby
i’m still keepin’ score
so as i hate you now for real
i’ll put it on the board
’til you erase me with your nails
yah yah yah yah yah

Now available as an acoustic instrumental demo.

Here’s an older one that I wrote a bit after I sold off my 4-track. It’s a breakup number that splinters off into a nice generalization of women, based upon my experience at the time, of course. The image is meant to be that of a toy factory making little tin women instead of the old tin soldiers.

Because of the timing of when it was written, it was never demoed until recently, and even that’s just a simple acoustic-only no-vocals version. More recently, I shifted the key around a bit so that it would actually be physically possible for me to sing it.

© 2007 harper blue music

i know you’re broken
i’m broken too
i thought that we could pick up the pieces and
make something out of me and you
i know you’re angry
it’s in the words that you say
i guess i must’ve hurt you enough
that you want me to hurt in every way
when i lost you the first time
i had no idea of what i’d done wrong
when i lost you the first time
i know i think all of it was my fault
when i lost you the first time
i was only sure that you were
gone gone gone
gone gone gone
i know you were tired
i was tired too
i thought that we could lie there together
and somehow keep on telling the truth
i know you miss me
it’s in the words that you write
i want you to know
that i will miss you forever
just as much as i’m missing you tonight
when i lost you the second time
i had some idea of what i’d done wrong
but when i lost you the second time
i don’t think all of it was my fault
when i lost you the second time
i was only sure that you were
gone gone gone
gone gone gone
lighting your cigarettes
feeling your head on my chest
falling asleep with you nearly every night
mixes i made for you
songs that i sang to you
brushing your hair ’cause it was in my line of sight
giving myself to you
naked and in full view
kissing your feet while looking you right in the eye
did i ask the impossible
three days in a hospital
says that i did
that i did alright
i know there won’t be a third time
but i’ll keep on hoping that i’m wrong
i know there won’t be a third time
but i’d be what you needed all along
i know there won’t be a third time
i’m only sure that you are
gone gone gone
gone gone gone
gone
gone

A quick acoustic demo for you.

The first new song of 2007. The only song I think I’ve ever written that I wish I just hadn’t.

From my journal:

I tried to explain some of these things to Bailey the other night. Of course, he can’t understand. He doesn’t understand any language, much. But it helped me to talk to him about it, you know. I told him that Daddy was going to sing him a song he wrote about a girl who broke his heart. I told him that sometimes, we meet someone really special in our lives. And sometimes we get really, really close to them, and that sometimes, things go wrong, and we come apart. Sometimes, that special person is just gone. I told him that a lot of people get caught up in the pain they feel when that person is gone. That they even start to hate that person. But that he should never do that. Because if he really loved that person, then how could he ever hate them?

I cried while I sang to him. He fell asleep, lesson lost.

© 2001 harper blue music

i feel like i’m dying
maybe i’m dead
i think you might know but
i know you don’t care
i found out what’s taken
you away from me
my preparations
for you to leave
did you never see that
isn’t that sad
there goes my mother
there goes my dad
i didn’t want to hurt you
i just wanted to
protect myself from
these things you’d never do
now i don’t feel so very well
you know
i can’t help you
or anyone
i feel like i knew you
feel like we were friends
i think you might know but
i know you don’t care
i wasn’t ready
for you to love me
i’m still not ready
i’m just sorry
i know what you’d run from
but why run to me
there’s nothing alive here
just sad machines
now i don’t sleep so very well
you know
i have failed to grow
i’ve been wrong
and i’ve been weak
i have been
this machine
i’ve done all these things to me
do while
i can’t have you
now i know

Acoustic versions are now available with or without vocals, and in no other forms.

This song shares its title with an email I sent to my ex-wife when I was feeling fully responsible for the death of our marriage. Shortly after she pretty much said that it was all my fault. Of course, now we all know that she was to blame. Anyways, lots of personal revelations, beating myself up, the usual.

The fullest version of this song is yet to come. A good friend of mine calls this the “saddest song ever.” Now that a version with vocals and everything is up, you can judge for yourself.

© 2005 harper blue music

when you laugh
i laugh too
even if it’s at my expense
just because it’s you
and when you cry
i feel like i’m slowly dying
i only wish
there was something i could do
when you move
i move too
i know it’s pathetic how i need to stay
as close as i can to you
and when you stop
i stumble and i stop too
and try to pretend i’m interested
in anything but you
i’d bring your brother back from the dead
i’d take those bullets and die instead
i’d send you home and i’d be strong
will you ever look back again
please promise me you’ll think of me when
you’re back home and i am gone
all these years
spent mostly tired of hearing
how i need no one to get me through
when you smile
i feel alright for awhile
and i can’t keep myself
from loving you

With luck, soon the demo will be everywhere, too.

The first new song of aught-five, this is a pretty plain song about how I fall in love with about every third girl i meet. Happens every week. Happened in January, so I wrote this down. I don’t go into what happens after that, which is a near-total loss of interest and a new fixation on somebody else… that would take either a much longer song, or a couple different songs after this one, and I haven’t done anything about that yet.

I still think the chorus is a little bit jarring as far as transition goes, but the demo has come off well, revealing mostly only production and mastering flaws that are to be expected with my profound lack of education on recording. The guitar solo took about 50 takes, and finally, unable to get the exact kind of sustain I wanted from my effects, I just settled on this version as good enough.