signsofastruggle.com

© 2003 harper blue music

i get no satisfaction out of life
or out of myself
i get nothing that i want
e.g. i’d like to get away from me
and be someone else
or at least sleep a lot more
my placemat says i seek tranquility
that’s about right
my opposite is the cock
i’m not so sure about the second part
if i turn you on
you’ll end up pretty pissed off
examining
priorities
shows exactly what is wrong with me
examining
priorities
shows exactly what is wrong with me
my placemat says that i’m the luckiest
but luck can be bad
and luck can be all you’ve got
my placemat says that i am talented
i guess it’s a fact
i’m good at putting things off
and then it says that i’m articulate
so why can’t i talk
why can’t i get it across
it also says here i’m affectionate
that’s kind of rough
i’ve driven everyone off
examining
priorities
shows exactly what is wrong with me
examining
priorities shows exactly what is wrong with me

I was sitting at my desk playing a computer game and ironically wondering why things are taking so long for me. Sit on that for a moment.

Not just with the music, but in general. I thought about how I tend to sit at home and keep to myself, and that got me thinking about why I’m like that. At some point, the wandering mind led me to those little Chinese Zodiac placemats in every Chinese restaurant ever. I remembered two things offhand, that I’m supposed to be the luckiest of all signs, and that I seek tranquility. I’d like to think that that means that I’ll somehow find a way to sit at home and keep peacefully to myself forever, but then there’s the thought that I’ll never get anything done with my own business if I’m doing that.

I was planning to do an acoustic-guitar-only demo of this one and post it, but it’s a pretty full song that just doesn’t sound right in my head without the drums and all the rest going. I like this song quite a lot, though, and I’ll share a demo as soon as I’m able.

© 2004 harper blue music

i had a fantasy
that the world waited while i grew up
and the going never really got tough
until i was ready for it
my days were not wasted
i often even got up
my decisions weren’t ever wrong
because i learned something from them
i
fell a long way
’til i
i
let it go
i
fell a long way
’til i
i
let it go
i miss plasticity
and the comfort of a metal arm
of the future that was never dark
before i ever knew a thing
so what have i wasted
what before and what ahead
why is it that i’m not dead
when i stopped growing long ago
i
fell a long way
’til i
i
let it go
i
fell a long way
’til i
i
let it go
when did it start
will it ever end
this wanting to never
have been
’cause i don’t believe
in anything
that includes me
but i had a fantasy

A fast/slow arrangement, which is a style I’ve gotten into more and more lately. It’s a nice change from soft/hard arrangements, and if done right, I find it more interesting. Not as overwrought as full-on time signature changes, e.g. 4/4 to 3/4, but more natural.

The hold-up on the demo for this song is probably going to be the drum part. It’s a little faster than I can play at tempo, so we’ll see how it goes. I do like the song, though, so I’m not planning to shelve it.

© 2002 harper blue music

i won’t get far on my own
oh i know i’ve not got very far to go but
i won’t make it all alone and all alone
’cause i know what i know what i know is
i won’t get that far
i know

This is a pretty simple, sleepy song. It’s made up of a very short verse/chorus pair, and depending on how I’m feeling, I’ll play through it twice, or maybe ten times, who knows. I like this one, it’s very soothing. It was called “stutter” for awhile, but I was thinking about it the other day, and it’s really got nothing to do with stuttering, and is more of a quiet sound someone who’s given up might make. Hence, the title change.

The demo for this one will be easy enough to record as far as playing all the parts goes, but deciding how long to run it and how to end it is another story. I was thinking of placing it last on any given commercial-quality release, fading it out (which I ordinarily hate as a way of ending a song), and having it fade in to a hard cut to start the record. That would create an interesting endlessness if the entire album was put on serial repeat. Yes, people do actually think of stuff like that.

© 2001 harper blue music

when you moved out
you took the things that made sense
you took the words that i said
and made them stupid and bad
and i meant every one
you took the things by the couch
i think you may even have
had someone take the bed out
i haven’t looked around
someone asked for a photo
i found some in your folders
i didn’t like sharing them
i did it anyway
sometimes i feel like i’m a fake
but now i think that that’s ok
sometimes i feel like i’m a waste
but now i think that that’s ok
when you moved out
you left some bills on my desk
you took your clothes and the chest
you left something in my head
that i can’t get around
should i be grateful for your
letting me borrow your car
you got it when you lost mine
i paid for most of it
the cats don’t know who you are
the dog well he doesn’t care
he’s happy when you’re around
when i’m just standing there
sometimes i feel like i’m too late
but now i think that that’s ok
sometimes i don’t believe in fate
but this looks like my life to me

This song that came out of me when my then-wife moved out of our apartment. I guess that makes it a breakup song, and everybody gets those, right? It’s a strange number that has an almost N Sync-like feel to it.

What I have yet to decide is just how much I’ll push that feel when I finally get around to demoing and ultimately doing a studio cut of it.