the rain’s not pouring but it’s there

© 2016 harper blue music

it’s 10:30 on a sunday morning
and the rain’s not pouring but it’s there
down in the city on a different floor i’m
sure you’re dancing away all your cares
but i’ve got you in my body here
in the backs of my legs and my brain
you’re coming at me like my constant fear
that i’m something no one can explain
would you have chosen to be with me now
that you know how it goes in the end
my good intent had been to settle down
now it sounds like we’re not even friends
but i remember you were telling me
that our strength was in how we would fight
so now i’m hanging on that memory
where you say nothing’s wrong
but i know nothing’s right
i need you back
imagine that
i miss being your nobody
who does things that nobody else does
so i’ll sing this song to nobody
cause nobody’s who i always was
i need you back
imagine that


I wrote this song this morning, and figured I’d record a demo of it as soon as I could manage a 95% play-through from memory. This has a few uncertain vocal notes and a couple of flubbed chords, but it meets my requirements. See the video on our Facebook Page.

get tired

© 2016 harper blue music

how would i miss you
how would you know
i miss you like jesus would miss his
his own holy ghost
we didn’t go to london
i told you i don’t wanna go
but i don’t see you anymore
since the hospital
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i’m singing ’bout a window closing
meaning time you’ve got
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but the way has been cut off
now
but i miss you
and the things we used
to do
the plans i make still have you in them
and i know we’re through
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i’m quoting 3eb because my
brain can’t make a thought
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but the plane is taking off
now
i used to know what you want
i used to know it was me
but now i’m stuck in the background baby
and i don’t know what to think
and i don’t know what to think
but
i know i’ve lost that fire
when my metaphors get tired
when i say i was a mouse
who didn’t wanna make a sound
driving through cascades and dodging
burning barricades that say
you know i’ll always love you
but you gotta go around
now


This song invented itself over the last day and a half or so. I just wrapped up a fairly solid take on the lyrics, though they may still evolve a bit. Even so, I knocked out a quick acoustic demo on my phone just now, and I figured I’d share.

queen anne

© 2016 harper blue music

queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing her mouth
areolae glistening as i
made my way further to the south
crimes may have been committed
but the judge was high and the jury’s out
all our friends are listening
and i don’t know what to say to them now
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
through all the history she left behind
i know it’s never the time but
we think that it is and
i thought it was mine
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
queen anne’s heart is bursting
and there isn’t any room at the inn
no not for girls like me
too poor to show without an invitation
she moved just down the street
she’s got a bigger kitchen it’s really nice
but i had to gtfo when she said
“take the futon for the night”
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
wishing she’d held a little longer instead
of giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
in my head
i know i wasn’t royalty
but i still fit in
and i still was me
my mistake was believing that could change
i know i was the nobody
in your “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
my mistake was believing that could change
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
but i still fit in
and i still was me
wishing she’d held a little longer instead
to her “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
not giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
in my head
queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing her mouth


This song came crawling out of me not long after I got dumped right at the tail end of February. I did a very very quiet acoustic demo at like two in the morning, so I go into falsetto in the high parts, instead of singing it full-throat. I wasn’t going to upload this version, but my daughter and all the other friends I’ve shared it with have raved about it, including the junky late night/early morning noise floor. So, here you go.

UPDATE March 17, 2016: A video of the first live performance is now available.

#girlslikeus

© 2016 harper blue music

so here alone
where my breathing lacks confidence
and though i know
i shouldn’t try to reflect in the dark
shiny and chrome
i lived and died and i lived again
but some people don’t
have a way they can understand that
i can’t breathe forever
and holding breath doesn’t buy you time
but girls like us know better
we don’t matter until we die
i understand
you’re afraid for your daughter, well
my mom and dad
i like to think that they’re scared for theirs, too
i ain’t even mad
when we’re afraid we can do some strange things
but isn’t it sad
that what you’re afraid of is nothing like me
i can’t breathe unfettered
when i’m me only in my head
but girls like us know better
no one loves us until we’re dead
i can’t breathe forever
and holding breath doesn’t buy you time
but girls like us know better
we don’t matter until we die


This hasn’t been properly recorded in any form yet. It’s coming. The song is very important to me.

the death i deserve

© 2016 harper blue music

no
baby don’t do this
you know we’ve been through this
ten times before
i know
like i always knew this
but could never prove it
my live for you
like planes into buildings
or drones overhead
all these armed misunderstandings
collecting their dead
i’ve been dying
for years now
but you slowed me down
and i wish that you’d never
i wish that i’d drowned
that’s the death i deserve
anonymous and sure
take me down
take me down
where no-
body eats nothing
where nobody feels
nobody feels
where i can die slowly
like i did before
without ever living
without being more
where lions and tigers
and bears pass me by
saying
this one is poisoned
we’d best let her lie
that’s the death i deserve
anonymous and sure
take me down
take me down
no
baby don’t do this
i know you’re in pain
i know it’s my fault
i know
why nobody knew this
masks never do it
and that’s all i am


You can read the story of the second song of 2016 here. Watch me cry and falsetto my way through it right after I wrote it. Looking back now at these dates, I suppose I should have known we were doomed.

present company

© 2016 harper blue music

so in present company
when we’re alone together
do you feel as safe as me
like there’s nothing better
when i practice japanese
when i’m tracing letters
and these fingertips agree
and they move unfettered
when i feel you come for me
when our fingers intertwine
in this holiest sanctuary
where i know that you are mine
or
are you everything you need
got it all together
with all your stationery
for each thoughtful letter
have you got your paris tea
is the next brew better
by your guardians figurines
in your minoa u sweater
baby
when your eyes go grey to green
when you’re music in my scene
if a song is what you need
then a song is what i’ll sing


You can read the story of the first song of 2016 (I think) here. You can see my screwed-up first performance of the song if you want, but honestly, I’d wait for a better recording with less fuck-ups. Or at least read the story of why I kept fucking up, first, because honestly, the performance is just embarrassing.

bitter doors

© 2015 harper blue music

are you rea-rea-rea-rea-ready to go home alone
well i am drea-drea-drea-drea-dreading it it’s the unknown
am i so stu-stu-stu-stu-stuck in my peculiar ways
they’re only pe-pe-pe-peculiar to my alien race
so am i out of my mind
or are you just stuck inside yours
or is it something we’ll find
that lies between these bitter doors
you wanna know know know know what’s happening inside my head
but i can’t tell tell tell tell tell there are no words for it
what do i call call call call call a color i’ve never seen
how do i make make make make make a sound i’m still hearing
so am i out of my mind
or are you just stuck inside yours
or is it something we’ll find
that lies between these bitter doors
i get so hung up on the ways that i am different
but when there’s music i start movin’ to the rhythm and
i noticed that you do the same, but when
you flash a smile and i can’t read that expression, is
it just ironic, is it happy, or is it chagrined
or something else that i can’t name
i don’t feel safe
just out of place
i don’t feel sane
i don’t feel sane
i don’t feel sane
so am i out of my mind
or are you just stuck inside yours
or is it something we’ll find
that lies between these bitter doors


This is probably going to be the last song I write in 2015. Here is an acoustic demo video with predictably poor phone cam audio.

five kinds of subtraction

© 2015 harper blue music

like an unfinished loom bracelet
the kid didn’t make it alright
like all the joy you once wasted
the dinner you can’t taste some nights
like his last christmas sweater
no one means to be so mean
usually
like all this terrible weather
bringing you water you know you need

like an unfinished high schooler
like every bright future you’ve seen
like multiplication of fractions
like five kinds of subtraction
like what else is left but this tree
like your next christmas had better
bring jesus back to tell you why
like every time these things happen
we find one more rhyme for die

like his last christmas sweater
no one means to be so mean
they’re just you and me
like the way they should all have known better
like no one should ever
ever ever know what this means


Today when I got home, I was already feeling pretty vulnerable for a lot of reasons when I was scrolling through my Facebook and I saw a photo posted by Cameron Langrell’s mom of an unfinished loom bracelet he’d started before killing himself. I broke down sobbing and most of this song came to me, so I got up and did a quick demo on my phone. The sound quality is poor, but after Jamie saw it and said she loved it, I didn’t want to keep it to myself. I figure I can always record a better quality version later, and in the meantime, maybe this will help her, and Cameron’s friends and family.

Here is an acoustic demo. I will probably post an mp3 conversion later, but right now I am spent.

revelations

© 2014 harper blue music

while you’re mourning the death of a son
who had never been alive
i am mourning the senseless waste of
your daughter’s final night
oh how tired and empty all of
your words turned out to be
now she’s gone and she’ll never teach you
the things you need to see
didn’t you want to meet your daughter
didn’t you want to know her name
leelah needed both her parents
to give her love in jesus’ name
maybe that will sound familiar
for aren’t god and love the same
faith and hope have led you nowhere
she is gone and you’re to blame
you said god doesn’t make mistakes
well let’s stipulate that’s true
wasn’t that soul inside that body
a test for her and you
you were given the chance of chances
to demonstrate god’s love
now your failure has brought you mis-
ery from up above
leelah needed time
she needed love while she was alive
she needed to be who she was
not who you wanted


This morning, I woke up around 9a and scrolled through tumblr while I had my wake-up bottle of water, like I do. I saw a post from another trans girl, a collection of selfies, and thought, "that’s nice," and I followed her, as I do with pretty much anyone trans these days. Not long after, I saw a number of posts about a trans girl named Leelah Alcorn who had committed suicide and queued a suicide note to post onto her tumblr. When I clicked through to the note, I saw that it was the same girl I had just followed not ten minutes before.

I haven’t been singing lately, because my own voice feels like it’s wrong for who I am, so I’m out of practice at it. But I do still write, and when something really awful happens, I write easily. The last post I wrote was for the first song of the year. This will be for the last. Here is an mp3 demo.

break of dawn

© 2014 harper blue music

waited for you
until the break of dawn now baby
i know we’re through
and i know that it’s wrong but maybe
me and you
we could try again this year well
what could we do
if we stopped pretending things were ever
just fine the way they are
just punishment for
the crime of trying too hard
everyone i know’s afraid of dying alone but baby
i’m more afraid of being alive
did my texts go through
i must’ve written sixteen baby
they were for you
just like all my dreams are lately
empty too
that missing man formation is my life
absence is cruel baby
now i understand that things were never
just fine the way they are
just punishment for
the crime of trying too hard
everyone i know’s afraid of dying alone but baby
i’m more afraid of being alive


I woke up around 7a today, wrote this, and fell back asleep. I’ve been miserable all day, more than usual, but I thought if I made myself put up a quick acoustic webcam video demo, I’d feel better; here is an mp3 conversion of the source audio.